Under the Mistletoe
by Random1377
Summary: Second place winner in the Drama section of Ryoma's Xmas fiction contest.  At a Christmas party, Hikari experiences her first kiss...  forcing her to revaluate her views on love, attraction, and sexuality.


Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Studio Gainax animation, not me. Should they, or anyone affiliated with them, request it, I will remove all traces of this story from the web. Thank you.

Under the Mistletoe

By Random1377__

"This party is so lame!"

Hikari Horaki blushed, taking a small sip of her eggnog and wiping a cookie crumb off of her forest green party dress before replying, "It's not THAT bad, Asuka, and it's still early… it might get better."

Her best friend, Asuka Langley Souryu, folded her arms under her red dress's low-cut bosom and looked around the room.  "It sure can't get worse," she snorted.  Shaking her head and shifting slightly on the couch they were sitting on, she inquired, "What does your dad do for NERV, again?"

"He's in the financial group," Hikari replied, swirling her drink thoughtfully, "handles acquisitions and stuff."

"Sounds like stealing," Asuka smirked.  "Still…" she mused, taking another look at the cozy family room, "must be pretty nice to have a place like this."

The Horaki residence, where the two girls were currently situated, WAS rather large.  It was a five-bedroom house located in one of the more affluent districts of Tokyo-3.  Affluent, in that town, meant that the police force was more vigilant than in other parts of the city, and all of the buildings enjoyed a similar design characteristic.

Namely: they also sank into the ground in the event of an angel attack.

Currently it was filled with the quiet murmur of subdued conversation and the soft tinkling of ice cubes melting in fine crystal – the telltale sounds of a low key, but high-class, get together.

"Isn't that the mayor?"

Hikari craned her neck to look into the next room over.  "Yeah," she nodded, "he lives three doors down."

Asuka made an unpleasant face.  "Mayor," she muttered, "please – like he has any real power… just a puppet like the rest of them."

Hikari sighed.  _I knew she'd be like this,_ she thought uncomfortably, _but I guess that's just Asuka…_

Though it was technically a NERV Christmas party, not all of the employees had been invited.  Only the top-ranking officials and department heads (and a few, select others) had been invited to the event.  All of the Children were invited, of course, though Rei Ayanami, the First Child, had politely declined. Also absent were Gendou Ikari and Kouzou Fuyutsuki, the Commander and Sub-Commander, citing other responsibilities to attend to.  The Director of Tactical Operations, Misato Katsuragi was present, and as far as Hikari could see she was having a great time with the head of Project-E, Ritsuko Akagi, Akagi's understudy, and a man named Ryouji Kaji, whose exact title Hikari was just a little unclear about.

_He's cute,_ she thought, letting her gaze linger on the man for a moment, _Asuka's right about that…_

Asuka had told her a bit about Kaji.  It seemed that she had been his charge for a short while in Germany, and during that time Asuka had developed a crush on him.  The redhead insisted that it was not a crush, but rather… a 'mature developing of feelings between a man and a woman.'

Or something along those lines – Hikari could not recall the exact wording.

"How come those idiots are here," Asuka grumbled, nodding to where three young men were talking animatedly in the next room.  "Did you guys have a stooge quota to fill, or what?"

"Their fathers are department heads," Hikari shrugged.  "One's in administration, and one's in-"

"Don't care," Asuka cut in, her voice taking on a singsong quality as she bopped her head from side to side.  "Just as long as they don't come over here."

Hikari glanced around for the two boys in question, Kensuke Aida and Touji Suzuhara… letting her gaze linger a bit on the latter.  _Well,_ she thought with a touch of guilt, _HE could come over here and I wouldn't complain…_

After a moment, Asuka got to her feet.  "Ok!" she said firmly, pounding her fist into the flat of her hand.

"What's up?" Hikari asked excitedly.

Asuka looked over her shoulder, grinning as she answered, "I'm leaving."  When her friend tried to sputter a protest, the redhead raised a hand.  "Sorry," she said, not sounding as if she truly was, "your dad throws a great party, but I'm done… gonna go home and watch a movie, then go to bed."  She stretched and yawned.  "I'd go talk to Kaji, but I think I saw him slipping out a few minutes ago…" she looked down at her friend.  "You wanna come over?  I've got a couple disks rented… sure would be better than this lameness…"

Hikari considered the proposal for a minute, then shook her head reluctantly.  "No," she sighed, "Dad would get upset… he said he wanted me to be seen and stuff…"

"Sucks to be you," Asuka shrugged.  "I think I've been seen enough, though."  Her expression darkened, "And if Aida tries to look down the front of my dress one more time I'm gonna kill him… so I'm gone."

"See you tomorrow," Hikari murmured dejectedly.

"You know it!"

Chuckling slightly at the other girl's enthusiasm, Hikari leaned back on the couch.  She drained her cup of eggnog and set it on the end table, yawning expansively.

A bright flash made her start.  "Hey!" she exclaimed, opening her eyes to find her sister, Kodama, standing in front of her, lowering her camera.

"That's a keeper," the older girl snickered, "think I'll call it, 'Geofront Two – The Horaki Expedition.'"

"Oh ha ha," Hikari grumbled, frowning as she noticed the top button on her sister's lavender dress was undone, exposing her ample chest.  "You really should reconsider your major… maybe the Laff Spot has an opening for a comedian."

Kodama grinned.

"What do you want?" Hikari asked tiredly, recognizing the expression on her sister's face – the one that spelled trouble.

"Well," the elder Horaki mused, "I was just thinking of what a wasted opportunity you had with Souryu."

"Huh?"

"You were under the mistletoe the whole time," Kodama winked, pointing over her sister's shoulder, "and you didn't kiss her once!"

"Kod_ama_!" Hikari shouted, blushing brightly.  "I don't… like girls!"

Kodama opened her mouth to retort, then closed it as she spotted one of the other partygoers across the room.  "I know someone you WOULD like to kiss…" she said craftily, her eyes glittering.

"Can you just stop?" Hikari muttered, rubbing her temples with her fingertips, "I'm not in the mood for-"

"Suzuhara's here."

Hikari stumbled over her words.  "S-so?" she managed, blushing as she looked around the room.

"So," Kodama said reasonably, "you close your eyes and I'll get you someone you'd like to kiss."

"Kodama," Hikari whispered uncertainly, stealing another look at the boy, "I don't think… I mean… he…"

"Close your eyes," Kodama said sweetly, "I'll do the rest."  She grinned, raising one hand in a solemn salute.  "I promise – you won't forget your first kiss!"

Something about the other girl's smile did not sit well with Hikari, but the idea of finally being kissed – of finally being kissed by _Touji_ – was far, far too tempting to just ignore.

"Don't peek!" Kodama admonished, giggling as Hikari closed her eyes.  _This is gonna be so great!!_

Hikari nodded.  _This is a bad idea,_ she thought apprehensively, _what would she tell Touji that would make him WANT to kiss ME??_  She leaned back on the couch, fiddling idly with the edge of her skirt.  _Maybe if his eyes are closed too,_ she reasoned, suddenly feeling rather warm. _And she could probably talk him into it, too… she could talk anyone into anything, I think…_

Several minutes later her breath quickened as she heard her sister saying, "…that's right – under the mistletoe."

Hikari opened her mouth, but Kodama spoke again before she could say a word.

"Neither one of you can talk," the elder Horaki said firmly, "when you're under the mistletoe, you just kiss – that's the rule!"

Hikari let out an exasperated breath… blushing slightly as she heard it echoed by the person next to her.  _Yeah,_ she thought ruefully, _she didn't tell him who he'd be kissing either…_

She felt a brief stab of guilt at keeping silent.  Who had Kodama told _Touji_ he'd be kissing?  Certainly not her… so when it was over, and they opened their eyes… wouldn't he be hurt, or angry?  But a kiss from him – even a stolen one – sounded so tempting, she simply could not resist.

_I'll apologize,_ she thought reasonably, _as soon as he sees that it's me, I'll apologize for Kodama, that way-_

"Ok!" Kodama said briskly, "Let's see some kissing!"

Hikari's heart began racing.  _Ohhh… God forgive me…_ she thought anxiously, sitting up and turning towards the sound of the other person's breath.

Other thoughts of forgiveness or right and wrong were brushed aside as she felt a hand touching first her arm, then her waist, settling comfortably in against her side.  She was tempted to open her eyes – just a bit – but she resisted the urging, deciding that, since this was her first kiss, she wanted it to be special.

She stifled a gasp as she felt a second hand slow come to a rest against her cheek.  _Soft,_ she thought, tensing slightly as she felt the other person leaning closer, _his hands are so soft!  They always looked so rough and… rough and…_

Thought became impossible as she found her already-erratic breathing mingling with another's.  Her whole body felt alive… tuned in to the gentle touch and other presence with her, and then she was being kissed.

Oh lord… was she being kissed.

Soft lips met hers, stealing her breath as a tiny whimper escaped her.  She wanted to scream, or cry – or make some kind of sound other than her pathetic, ragged breathing.  She wanted to wrap her arms around that wonderful source of warmth and hold on, never letting go, and simply die right then and there.  This was all she had read and heard about, and so very much more.  She felt like she wasn't just kissing – she was uniting.  She was melting into this other person… merging… blending… synchronizing…

It was all perfect.  The hand on her cheek, softly caressing her.  The sweet breath, filling her nostrils and making her dizzy.  And those lips – those wonderful, angelically soft lips – pressing tighter and tighter against her own.  A gentle, inadvertent moan escaped her as she felt another tongue sliding tentatively into her mouth.  

"Daaaaamn…"

Hikari's breath caught as Kodama whispered quietly, and her eyes registered the flash of a camera, plainly evident even behind their closed lids.

"Kodama!" she cried, pulling away from that sweet embrace and opening her eyes.  "You're such a-"

"Oh my God…"

The world, as Hikari knew it, stopped.

"H-huh?" she squeaked, her head turning with exquisite slowness to face the (altogether too soft) voice at her side.

Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open as she found the couch occupied not by Touji, but,

"Miss Ibuki!?!"

Maya Ibuki sat perfectly still, her lips barely parted and her hands bunched into fists in her lap of her light gray skirt.  The expression on the brown-haired woman's face would have been comical in another situation, but currently… Hikari could only see it for what it was – pure, naked shock.

"That," Kodama said approvingly, "was hot!"

Maya quickly rose to her feet, her face going from pale and stunned to flushed and embarrassed.  "I'm… sorry…" she mumbled, brushing past Kodama and hurrying towards the door.

Hikari watched her leave, too dazed to reply.

"Wh… what happened?" she asked, her voice almost timid.

"You and Miss Ibuki just got _righteously_ heavy, that's what!" her sister exclaimed, patting her camera happily.

Hikari looked around the room, frantically taking stock of who might have seen… but no one was present.  "Where did… everyone…?"

"Oh, I sent them all outside," Kodama grinned, "couldn't have anyone spilling the beans, you know!"

"But… but…" Hikari's mind was barley functional, "T-Touji…"

"I never said I would get TOUJI," Kodama laughed, delighted, "And you said you don't like _girls_ so I got you a _woman._"  As Hikari gave her sister a horrified stare, she lowered her voice.  "And besides…" she teased softly, "you looked like you were getting into it, Hikari, I mean – when she slipped you the tongue, you-"

"STOP IT!!" Hikari screamed, clapping her hands over her ears.

"Oh get over it, Hikari!" her sister mumbled.  "It's not that big a deal!  I've kissed lots of girls at parties – guys love that sh-"

"I HATE YOU!"

Kodama sighed as Hikari ran to her room.  "Kids…" she muttered.

**

"Asuka?"

The Second Child groaned, trying to burrow deeper into her pillow and recapture the wonderful dream she had been having.

"Asuka, are you awake?"

"Ohhh," the redhead moaned miserably, "what do you WANT?"

"Hikari's on the phone…"

Asuka sighed, forcing her eyes open.  "Alright, Third Child," she grumbled, "tell her I'm coming…"

Shinji Ikari, the third child found with the ability to pilot an Evangelion, nodded to himself.  "Hikari?" he murmured into the phone, "She'll be right there…"

"Thanks, Ikari…"

Shinji frowned, wondering if he should ask if anything was wrong.  In his opinion, the Class Rep sounded extremely unhappy.  Her voice was hoarse and thick, and she kept sniffling, apologizing every time she did.  To someone well versed in the sounds of sorrow, Hikari's tone clearly said that she had been crying.

But Shinji, preferring to avoid confrontation and strife… chose to keep his silence.

"Does she know it's 12:30?" Asuka asked crabbily, squinting as she opened her door and held her hand out for the phone.  "And shouldn't you be in bed, Third Child?"

"I was just studying," Shinji said quietly, "I'm about to go to bed…"

Asuka yawned, taking the phone.  "Whatever," she muttered, "just don't make us late for school…"

Before Shinji could reply that she was the one that made them late the most often, Asuka slid her door closed.

"This better be good," the redhead said tiredly into the receiver, "I was dreaming about that cute third year that hangs out with Arima."

"Are you busy?" Hikari's voice replied.

"Yeah," Asuka retorted, "busy trying to sleep – what is it?"

There was a short pause, then Hikari whispered.  "Can you come over?  I really need to talk…"

"Aww, Hikari!" Asuka groaned, "It's like, one o'clock!  And you just saw me three hours ago!"

"Please?"

"I'll see you in the morning,"      the redhead mumbled, not noticing the desperate tone in her friend's voice.  "Ok?  We'll skip first period or something…"

After a very long pause, Hikari squeaked, "O…k…"

Asuka blinked, coming more awake.  "Hikari?" she asked, "Hey… Hikari? Are you ok??"

The line went dead a moment later.

"What the hell was that all about?" Asuka muttered, pulling the phone away from her ear and staring at it in confusion.  She briefly considered calling the girl back, but discarded the notion as she remembered that Mister Horaki had a strict rule about turning the ringers off on all the phones in the house after dark – except the one by his bed.

With three girls, this made him one of the smarter men in Tokyo-3.

"Guess we'll talk about it tomorrow," the redhead sighed, switching the phone off and heading back to bed.  "Now where were we, Asaba?"

**

_December 20, 2015._

_            I always thought my first kiss would be with a boy._

Hikari paused, looking from her diary to the large window dominating the living room of her house.  _Why am I doing this?_ she thought, biting her bottom lip pensively as she considered the blustery sky.

She wasn't terribly concerned that the diary would be found – Kodama already knew anyway, and Nozomi was far too timid to try peeking at her older sister's things – but she was uncertain about what she was saying.  The events of the prior evening, no matter how hard she tried, would not allow themselves to be forgotten, and writing in her diary usually helped clear her mind.

Usually.

With a sigh, she continued writing.

Asuka's told me that she's kissed boys before.  Well, when I asked her if she'd ever been kissed, she said, 'I don't wait for it to come to me!' or something like that.  I don't know if she was telling the truth or not, but I kinda think maybe she wasn't.  She looked sort of, I don't know, bashful when she said – which is really unlike her.  I mean, she was trying to look all knowledgeable, but she was blushing and wouldn't look me in the face.  IS it abnormal to like kissing girls?  I don't know anymore.  Maybe it's ok if you don't know it's – that's stupid, crossed that out!  Anyway, I still kinda want to see what Asuka thinks about it – especially what Kodama said about girls doing it all the time to get guys.  She's been to college, so she must have overheard some other girls talking about it at least.

Hikari considered the passage for a moment before adding,

Maybe I'm not so weird.

She set her pen down just as the doorbell rang.  "Coming!" she called, closing the diary and shoving it quickly into her book bag.

She hurried to the front door, fighting an inexplicable urge to straighten her hair, and pulled it open, intending to greet her friend.  Before she could, Asuka stormed past her.  Hikari followed the other girl into the living room, where she found the redhead looking around carefully.

"Ummm," Hikari hummed, "is something wr-"

"Ok," Asuka cut in, nodding as she turned to face the girl, "talk!"

The class representative flushed.  "Look," she said apologetically, "about today – I'm really sorry, I just-"

"You should be!" Asuka snapped, folding her arms over her breasts.  "First you call me in the dead of the night, acting like you just found out Touji was gay, then you spend the whole day avoiding me!  What the hell??"

Hikari flinched at her friend's analogy.  "I… had a rough night," she said awkwardly, "I'm really sorry…"

Asuka took a deep breath, letting it all out at once.  "So what's up?" she asked, flopping down on the couch and looking up at the pigtailed girl.

Incredible… Hikari thought, she's done being mad now – just like that.

Clearing her throat, she murmured, "Well, I kinda wanted to ask you about college… actually, the guys in college."

Asuka immediately perked up.  "You finally realized I was right, and you're ready to ask a REAL guy out!" she exclaimed, sitting forward on the couch.  "Right?"

"Er…" Hikari said eloquently, "not… no, I just wanted to know about, ummm… kissing."

"Huh?"

Seeing that the girl did not follow her train of thought, Hikari clarified, "Well, you said you had kissed some guys in college… I just wanted to know what it was like, that's all."

"Oh," Asuka shrugged.  "Sure."  She stretched her arms out, the way she always did when she was about to 'enlighten' one of her friends, and began.  "Well, each guy is different," she said authoritatively.  "Some like to do it really hard, and some like to do it really soft.  Me, I like a guy that knows what he's doing, you know?  Not too rough, but not afraid of pushing the limits a bit."  She leaned forward, warming to the tale.  "But I never let a guy touch my boobs – no way!  I'm not going to let anyone touch me until we've gone out at least five times – that's my rule!"

Hikari contained her frown. Most of what she's said has been general, she thought skeptically, fighting the urge to ask what was really on her mind, and I don't think she knows what kind of kissing she likes, 'cause I don't think she's BEEN kissed.  And not until the fifth date?  It SOUNDS like something she'd say, but I'll bet that if that Kaji guy wanted to, that 'rule' wouldn't last past five minutes or so…

She refocused her attention as Asuka concluded, "So what's it like?  It's nice, I guess, but I'd rather go out dancing or play some video games or something… it's not so great…"

Hikari braced herself, suddenly deciding to go for broke.

"Have you ever… kissed a girl?"

The oddest mixture of confusion and suspicion flickered across Asuka's face.  "No!" she exclaimed, "Why would I do something gross like that?"

Hikari blushed.  Gross…

"You're not getting funny on me, are you?" Asuka asked, a note of disgust in her voice, "You're kinda weirding me out."

"No, no!" Hikari said quickly, waving her hands.  "I just… Kodama said she's kissed girls before – and guys like it… that's all.  I was just wondering if you had…"

"Oh," Asuka murmured.  She pursed her lips.  "And I'm not gonna do it to help you get some perverted boyfriend who will drool on you and grope you every chance he gets – so forget it."

"I wasn't thinking of that at all!" Hikari (honestly) protested.  "I just wondered if-"

"You shouldn't listen to Kodama too much," Asuka cut in, rising to her feet, "she IS kind of a freak, you know.  I mean, that tattoo?  On her boob??"  She shook her head and started for the door, "What was she thinking…?"  She sighed, "Anyway, look – I gotta go.  I only had a minute to stop by, you know."

Hikari sighed.  "Well, thanks for coming over…" she whispered, following the other girl and opening the door for her.

"Sure, sure," Asuka mumbled, stepping through the open portal, "I'd hang out longer, but I've gotta do some stuff at NERV."  She looked at Hikari over her shoulder and stuck out her tongue.  "Stuff like NOT kiss girls!"

Knowing she was supposed to laugh, Hikari forced a weak chuckle.

"Geez," Asuka sighed, grinning as she started down the stairs, "it's a good thing I'm your friend – or who knows HOW you'd turn out!  See ya."

"See ya…" Hikari replied, raising her hand in a halfhearted wave as her friend departed.  Once the redhead was out of sight, she closed the door and returned to the living room.  Alone again, the brown-haired girl stared thoughtfully at her book bag, then retrieved her dairy and sat on the couch.  She considered the page, and what she had already written, for a moment, then nodded.

Note: she wrote slowly, must remember not to bring this up with Asuka again.  I think she thought I was trying to pick her up, and

She stopped writing.  

"This isn't helping…" she whispered, feeling frustration washing over her, "damnit!"

Resisting the urge to throw the diary against the wall, she slipped it back into her bag and got to her feet.  Perhaps, she decided, a walk would help get her thoughts in order.

After three hours of wandering the streets of Tokyo-3… she was no closer to a conclusion than when she had left her house.

**

Kodama grinned as she thanked the man behind the counter at the photo department, taking the small packet and handing him exact change.

Waste not, want not.

Slowly wending her way through the mall, she opened the envelope – resisting the urge to skip ahead to the best one.  Patience, she thought cheerfully, all in good time.  She began humming as she sorted through the pictures, smiling at an image of Major Katsuragi with a grin on her face, a beer in one hand, and Doctor Akagi's glasses in the other.

"Gotta save that one," she murmured, exiting the mall into the crowd of late afternoon pedestrians, "wonder if she wants a cop-"

"Miss Horaki."

Kodama yelped, nearly dropping the pictures as a mature, rather upset sounding female voice cut into her thoughts.

"Miss Ibuki!" she exclaimed, looking up to find Maya standing in front of her, her arms folded across her stomach, "You scared me!"

"Give me those pictures," Maya demanded immediately, holding her right hand out.  "Now."

Kodama looked into the woman's palm, then up to her face.  "Mmmm… no," she hummed, "they belong to me.  And why would you want them anyway?  Curious to see what you look like when you're kis-"

"That's enough," Maya hissed, flushing slightly.  "Give me those pictures, or I'll be forced to take them from you."

"Fine," Kodama grumbled, handing them over.  "Take them, I don't care."  She folded her arms and sniffed with disdain as the woman snatched the packet from her.  "Geez… you're almost as bad as Hikari…"

Maya was not smiling.  "You had no right…" she whispered angrily.

A faint smile appeared at the corners of Kodama's lips.  "So defensive," she said slyly.  "Did you… _like_ kissing my sis-"

"I have a _job_," Maya cut in quickly, "and a reputation."

Kodama's smile vanished under the intensity of the woman's gaze, and she lowered her eyes.  "Sorry…" she mumbled.

"You should be," the technician answered bluntly.  "I'm a grown woman – I don't need to be toyed with.  And your own SISTER??"

"Look!" Kodama snapped, "It was just a little joke!  What's the big dea-"

"IT WASN'T!" Maya shouted.  "It wasn't 'just a little joke,' to me, OR her!  Do you know what could have happened to me – to BOTH of us – if that picture got around?  DO you?  Do you think I would just be fired?  Hikari is a _MINOR!_  Maybe they don't teach this where you go to school, Miss Horaki, but after Second Impact the legal age of consent was raised to _seven_teen to protect children from the 'repopulate the earth movement.'"  She leaned closer, her voice growing harder. "You know what that means? It means I could go to jail!"

"Yeah, yeah," the girl muttered, trying to gain the upper hand, "but you sure didn't have any problems when you thought you were going to get to k-"

"Enough!" the technician cut in sharply, "My personal life isn't what we're talking about – we're talking about your sister, and how much damage you could have caused to her self-esteem and pride!"

"It… wouldn't get that far…" Kodama murmured, her certainty slowly fading away.  "I was just going to tease Hikari with it…"

"And if you forgot it somewhere?" Maya pressed angrily, "Or your father saw it?  Then what?  What if one of your classmates – or HER classmates – saw it?  Do you think, at her age, people are forgiving of what they see as differences?"  Her eyes narrowed to slits.  "Did you even think at ALL??"

"Miss Ibuki," Kodama was now shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other.  "I'll… tell her I'm sorry, I just-"

"Stop."

Obediently, Kodama closed her mouth.

"Good," Maya nodded.  "Now listen to me – I don't want you to even _mention_ this to her, alright?  It's bad enough that it happened, I don't want you reminding her all the time… do we understand each other?"

Kodama paled, sudden, heretofore unconsidered punishments and consequences floating through her mind in the face of the older woman's rage.  "Y-yes ma'am…" she whispered.

Maya pursed her lips, sliding the package of photos into her uniform pocket.  "Thank God I decided to keep an eye on you," she muttered, "who knows how badly you might have hurt her…"  She turned away, starting off into the crowd.

"Good day, Miss Horaki."

"B-bye…" Kodama managed.

**

"Hik_ari_!" Nozomi Horaki cried, "You're gonna burn the eggs!"

"Huh…?"

Hikari shook her head, turning her attention back to the skillet in front of her… and hurriedly flipping the eggs therein over.  "Thanks!" she exclaimed, surveying the just-slightly-too-cooked color.  "That was a close one."

"Daddy's gonna be mad!" her pajama-clad younger sister pouted.

"Don't you mean you are?" Hikari teased, smiling distantly at the girl.

It being Christmas Eve, the Horaki house would soon be buzzing.  Everyone in the small family loved the holiday season, and though they all had things to do before evening, Christmas breakfast was important – and not to be missed.

"Kodama likes them that way," Nozomi sniffed, folding her arms, "those ones can be hers."

Hikari laughed, ruffling her sister's hair and giving her a gentle push towards the door to the kitchen.  "Go wake them up," she said lightly.

"Alright, alright," Nozomi muttered, "I'm going…" she paused in the doorway.  "But don't burn mine!"

Hikari sighed as the nine-year old retreated, still mumbling about eggs and yawning tiredly.  She scooped the eggs onto a plate and cracked three more into the skillet, lowering the heat slightly and gazing out the window.  

_See?_ she thought, _Each day it feels more and more like a dream – like it never REALLY happened.  In a week or two, maybe I can even look her in the eyes again…_

She turned her attention back to the eggs, tilting the pan a bit to allow them to distribute more evenly before looking out the window once more, frowning slightly.  She had seen Maya twice since the party, since she often went to visit her father in his office at NERV (this, of course, is how she knew the woman at all) and had found herself unable to meet the technician's gaze.  Maya had proven herself an excellent actress by simply greeting Hikari as she always did and returning to work… but Hikari thought, maybe, that she saw a faint blush on Maya's cheeks as she went back to her task.

_Maybe I AM making too big a deal out of it,_ Hikari thought, turning the eggs over, _I mean, she doesn't seem to be thinking about it…_

"Hey sunshine."

Hikari stifled a gasp.  "Hi daddy," she managed, making a weak smile appear, "sleep well?"

"Always," her father winked, snatching a piece of toast off the plate on the counter.

"Not until everything's done," Hikari admonished, waving her spatula dangerously, "you know better, daddy…"

"You're just like your mother," the elder Horaki beamed.

_Why?_ Hikari thought suddenly, _Did SHE kiss girls t- what am I THINKING?!?_

"Morning," Kodama grumbled, scratching her stomach through her thin tank top.  "Is it ready yet?"

"Almost," Hikari murmured, unable to look at her sister, "everyone sit down and I'll dish it up – just need to finish these eggs for the princess."

"Daddy!!"

Hikari laughed as Nozomi came into the kitchen just in time to hear her comment.

"Sit down," she chuckled.

A moment later, everyone was seated.  Smiling happily, Hikari served her family their eggs and toast, grinning as Nozomi beamed at her perfectly browned eggs.  Getting herself a plate and scooping some eggs onto it, she took her seat.

"You girls get all your shopping done?" her father asked after a moment of quiet.

"Just about," Kodama murmured, frowning at her overcooked eggs and shooting the giggling Nozomi a sour glance.  "Just need some coal for the princess."

Before Nozomi could start shouting (and she looked like she was getting ready to) Hikari said, "I've got everything I need to get, so I'm probably just going to stay home and get the house ready."

Her father smiled, turning to his youngest daughter.  "What about you?" he inquired, "Did you get everything you needed when you went out with Kodama yesterday?"

"Yeah I'm done," Nozomi said with a careless shrug, "And we saw Miss Katsuragi at the store.  She was with Miss Akagi and they were buying stuff."

"It's Major Katsuragi," her father corrected with a sigh, wondering if he shouldn't just give up on the subject, "and Doctor Akagi, I've told you before.  You need to learn their proper titles – they're older than you."

Nozomi nodded.  "Anyway," she said, eager to continue her story, "Miss Katsuragi was telling Miss Akagi that she should get something for Miss Ibuki – cause she always does such a good job, and all."

Fighting the urge to throw his hands in the air, their father smiled. "Really?" he said politely, "That's nice."

"Uh huh," Nozomi nodded, "but shouldn't she already have a gift for Miss Ibuki?"

"Why would she?" her father asked curiously.

"Well," Nozomi shrugged, "isn't she a lesbian?"

Hikari choked on her orange juice.

"Nozomi!" her father exclaimed disapprovingly, "Where did you hear that?"

"Everyone at your work says so," the young girl pointed out, completely unaware that she had said anything wrong.  "Last time I was there, Mister Kurasawa was talking about it.  He said that Miss Akagi was so cold that she probably liked girls better than boys."

"It's not polite to spread rumors like that," her father said levelly, reminding himself to speak to Mister Kurasawa.  If the man had time to spout rumors, he had time to get his spreadsheets accurate.  "And even if she does," he went on, "that's her own business."

"Isn't that bad?" Nozomi asked.  "Tomoyo at school says that lesbians are one of the reasons there aren't as many babies being born."

"That's just mean," her father said flatly, "and you better not say that to anyone else."

"But IS it bad?" Nozomi pressed.

"Well," her father said carefully, "that, by itself, doesn't make her a bad person, Nozomi.  Sometimes, people are just born that way – it doesn't mean they're bad."

Hikari pretended to ignore the conversation, but she was hanging on every word as Nozomi asked, "If I like my friend Yumiko, does that mean I'm gonna have to kiss her?"

"No honey," her father laughed, "you can like someone without wanting to kiss them."  He reached across the table and patted her head affectionately, adding, "But if you did want to kiss girls – when you get older… I'd still love you."

Nozomi covered her mouth, giggling, "What about Kodama?"

The eldest daughter stuck her tongue out at the youngest as their father laughed.  "Yes, Nozomi," he chuckled, "if that's how she wanted to live, I would still love her."  His voice grew serious as he looked around the table.  "I love all of you," he said quietly, "no matter what, I will ALWAYS love all of you…"

Pushing his chair back from the table, he rose to his feet.

"Thanks for breakfast," he said softly, leaning down to kiss Hikari on the top of her head, "I've gotta go."

For a moment, none of the girls spoke.  Then Nozomi took a bite of her eggs, noting,

"Daddy's weird."

Kodama shrugged, avoiding Hikari's eyes.

"He just wants us to know he cares about us," Hikari murmured, pushing her eggs around on her plate, "you should be happy… he doesn't say it that much…"

Nozomi shoveled the last of her breakfast into her mouth.  "I'll bet mommy wouldn't think it was ok," she said thoughtfully.  "She'd probably say it was bad to k-"

"Be quiet," Kodama cut in sharply, "mom would never…" she trailed off as her younger sisters gaped at her.  "I'm going to do some more shopping," she said stiffly.  "Later."

"Bye…" Hikari whispered.

"What's with her?" Nozomi grumbled darkly.

"Hey," Hikari asked quietly, "do YOU think it's a bad thing?  Liking girls, I mean…"

The youngest Horaki girl considered the question for a moment.  "Nah," she shrugged, pausing for a drink of orange juice.  "I guess not.  It's kinda weird, I think, but I guess…" her face scrunched up in thought, "I guess you can't just stop liking someone, can you?  I mean, if they're nice to you, and you like them, you can't just say, 'I don't wanna like you anymore,' can you?"

"No," Hikari agreed, smiling softly, "I don't think you can."

"Besides," Nozomi shrugged, gathering her plate and carrying it to the sink, "Daddy said he'd love me no matter what."

"What about your friends?" Hikari asked, leaning forward in her chair and trying to keep the note of painful curiosity out of her voice.  "What if you liked a girl – like liked a girl – and all of your friends thought that made you weird?"

Nozomi looked at her as if she were stupid.  "Who cares what they think?" she asked, confused.

Hikari found that she had no reply.

Her younger sister waited to see if there were any other (stupid) questions her sister wanted to ask, and when it was clear that she was no longer needed, she headed up to her room to get dressed.

Hikari sat back in her chair, considering her father's words, and her sisters'.  After ten minutes of careful contemplation, she got to her feet, scraped her leftovers into the garbage, and walked towards the front door.

And where are we going? she thought as she slipped on her shoes.  She was not sure of where she was headed… but she knew there was at least one stop she had to make along the way.

One last stop, to find one definitive answer, to the hardest question she had ever asked herself.

**

Maya sighed, pulling her keys out of her pocket as she walked up the stairs in her apartment building.  _What a long day,_ she thought tiredly, _least I got a couple nice things, though…_

Indeed, her Christmas bonus, delivered by Sub-commander Kouzou Fuyutsuki, no less, was larger than anticipated, and she had even received a small gift from Doctor Akagi, when she had expected nothing at all.

"It's nice to be wrong sometimes," she murmured, smiling as she thought of the little, flowery coffee mug she had received – so very unlike anything she would get herself.

It's the thought that counts, she figured.

She selected her door key, reaching her floor with a deep sigh.  Another Christmas Eve spent alone… not TOO bad, if you did not let yourself think about it, she supposed, but…

"Miss Ibuki…?"

Maya blinked as she looked up from her keys.  "Hikari?" she asked, confused.

The girl was standing next to Maya's apartment door, her arms held behind her back and an embarrassed expression on her young features.

Maya cleared her throat.  "Is there… something I can do for you?" she inquired, walking to her door and sliding her key into the lock.

"I wanted to tell you Merry Christmas," the girl said timidly, bringing her hands out from behind her back,  "And… I got you something…"

Maya pursed her lips, glancing briefly down at the small, carefully wrapped present in the girl's hands.

Hikari kept her hands out, looking down at the gift and wetting her lips.  "I… it would look nice with that gray turtleneck you wore at the party, and-"

"Hikari."

"Yes…?"

"Why are you here?"

The younger woman swallowed, lowering her hands and fiddling with the ribbon on the small box.  "I can't stop thinking about… about the party, Miss Ibuki…" she admitted softly.  "When… you kissed me, I…"

"Go on," Maya prompted as Hikari trailed off.

"I just thought you were someone I could…" she lowered her eyes, "get to know better…" she blushed.  "Maybe… you know – like… like just… better…."

"What makes you so sure I like women?" Maya frowned.

"Well," Hikari replied awkwardly, shuffling her feet.  "Everyone says you and… and Doctor Akagi…" she trailed off, blushing brightly.

"Uh huh," Maya shook her head.  "And we all know that everything you hear in the halls is true."  She sighed wearily.  "You're a Class Representative," she pointed out quietly, "I would expect that you would treat a rumor like what it is, and try to find the truth for yourself before deciding on MY sexual preference." 

Summoning all of her courage, Hikari forced herself to meet the older woman's gaze.  "Do you like Doctor Aka-"

"That's none of your business," Maya cut in sharply, leveling a forefinger at the girl.  "You're just a little girl that has no idea what she wants out of life, and you have no call to go sticking your nose into the affairs of adults." 

"I'm sorry…" Hikari whispered, dropping her eyes in embarrassment.

Maya considered the girl's downcast face.  Confusion was plainly evident in the girl's reddened cheeks, her blush making her freckles stand out in sharp contrast.  She also seemed to be trembling, though if it was from the shame of asking an elder such a personal question, or the desire to press forward with her original plan, Maya did not know.

"Go home, Hikari…" the technician whispered, finally unlocking her door.

"B-but," Hikari stammered, raising her head, "I really think-"

She was cut off as Maya suddenly turned towards her, invading her personal space.  "Should I kiss you again?" she murmured.

Hikari flinched, her voice all but vanishing as she replied, "I… I don't know…"

Maya shook her head, turning back to her door.  "Go home," she repeated gently, opening the door and looking over her shoulder as she stepped in.  "Go home and think, Hikari.  Think about what you want – not just from me, but from life."  She smiled sadly.  "Try to think about whether or not you're really ready to jump into a romantic, adult relationship with another girl – a relationship you'll be criticized and ostracized for – and if you think you are… go find a girlfriend."  She kept her eyes focused on the younger woman's as she swung her door slowly closed.  "But find one your own age, Hikari…"

Hikari flinched as the door clicked shut.

She stood in the hallway for several minutes, her bottom lip caught firmly between her teeth.  Was the older woman right, she wondered?  Was she rushing to become and adult and leave childhood behind?  She was not sure.

But it had felt so good – so right – to be embraced that way, to be kissed that way.  She imagined that she could still taste the sweetness of the other woman's breath, and feel her soft hand on her cheek.

And it had felt… so… good!

With a deep sigh, Hikari finally turned from the technician's door, then stopped.  Slowly, she turned back, walking up to the door and kneeling in front of it.  "If you're listening," she said quietly, "I was thinking of you when I bought this… and I still want you to have it…"

Placing the small package on the ground, she rose to her feet.

"Thank you, Maya," she murmured, turning away from the door.  "Thank you for…"

Abruptly, her composure broke down.  Hot, confused tears began to run down her face as she strode from the apartment complex, never once looking back to see if Maya opened the door to retrieve the package.  She did not cry because she had been rejected, though on some level it was hard to take.  And she did not cry because she was alone… though she was, when all was said and done.

No, Hikari Horaki cried the entire 26 blocks back to her house because – after all of her careful planning and reasoning – she still could not say with any kind of authority… that she did not like girls.

After all the conversations with her friends, and all the reading she had done on the topic of sexuality, and all the thinking, considering, and agonized self-analysis she had undertaken over the past week, she still did not know herself.

It is a hard thing to admit… when you realize that growing up is harder than any class you have to take, or paper you have to write, and that ultimately there is no RIGHT answer that fits for every single person.

It is a hard thing indeed…

**

Nine o'clock that evening found Maya finishing her simple dinner of linguine and shrimp in garlic sauce, an old family dish handed down from her mother before her passing.  She was used to eating alone, since she was still single, but she had entertained a few dates in the past – and even made this special dish for one individual whom she THOUGHT was 'the one.'

She took a sip of her wine – a rare indulgence she usually reserved for either a very good date… or a very bad one.  Tonight, of course, was neither, but she felt justified in indulging a bit of alcohol – especially after what she considered the very successful letting down of the Horaki girl.

_Poor, mixed-up thing,_ she thought sadly, taking another drink, _doesn't know what she wants… but she's so willing to TRY – even if it means asking a total stranger to be her girlfriend after one kiss._

Sighing, she rose from her table, leaving the plate where it sat and heading into the living room.  Sitting on her couch, she took a long pull on the glass of wine, reclining slightly and closing her eyes.

_I wasn't so different from her, when I was that age,_ she mused, opening her eyes and leaning forward to sift through the contents of her coffee table.  "Except I always KNEW what I wanted," she murmured, finally finding what she sought.

Draining the glass, she set it carefully on the end table next to her couch and leaned back, holding the two pictures in her hand up to better catch the light.  One of the pictures showed Ritsuko Akagi, waving at the camera with a forced smile as Misato Katsuragi leaned into the frame, her left arm around the doctor and the fingers of her right hand forming a victorious V.  Maya took in every detail of the picture.  The way Misato's hand was wrapped carelessly around the other woman's shoulder… the way Ritsuko's eyes were narrowed slightly in distaste at her friend's obviously drunken state… the way both women seemed so very comfortable together.

She sighed.

Slowly, almost guiltily, she put it to the side and looked at the other picture.

There, clearly lit by the camera's flash, she could see herself kissing Hikari Horaki under the mistletoe.  One of her hands was on the girl's cheek, the other resting comfortably on her slender waist, and it was clear to see that she was throwing caution to the wind.  She studied the picture a little closer.  Hikari, by contrast, looked lost.  Her hands lay in her lap, as if she could not decide what to do with them.  Her face was flushed with color and her entire body was ridged and immobile… but…

But Hikari was smiling… and her head was tilted slightly to the side… and her lips were slightly open…

Hikari wasn't just being kissed, she was kissing back… and she was loving every second.

"Someone's gonna be really happy when they've got you," Maya murmured, running her finger lightly over the picture.  "When you thought I was that boy you liked… you just gave yourself away." Shaking her head, she mused, "Silly girl… you should never let yourself go like that – never.  What if he doesn't take all of you?  What if you give it all away... and he leaves?  You can't just let yourself be so open like that – you just can't!"

She closed her eyes, sighing sadly.  

For a long moment, Maya's apartment was silent.  Finally, the woman got to her feet, grabbing her wineglass and heading towards the kitchen.  As she poured herself another glass, she considered the picture… and finally tore her eyes away from the open, honest, incredibly sweet face depicted there, inadvertently glancing at the necklace the girl had given her.

Just a simple, gold chain with a silver mistletoe leaf pendant… simple and elegant – something she herself would have picked out.

With shaking hand, Maya brought the glass to her lips, drinking half of it in one shot.  Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she looked back to the picture.

"God, I wish I could be like you…"

Since the picture offered no reply… Maya refilled her glass.

The End

Author's notes: ok, first things first – Misato throws great parties… but damnit, she's not the only party source in Tokyo-3! ;)  What I really wanted to do with this fic is capture the confusion and shame of trying to find oneself.  It's not easy to grow up… and a curveball like a kiss from a member of your own gender can really throw a monkey wrench into the whole affair.  I really, _really_ didn't want to make this a sappy story about Hikari finding love in the arms of another woman… I wanted to make it a vivid, slightly gritty story about the uncertainty of slowly growing from a girl to a woman, and the pitfalls it can entail.  How did I do?  Heck, you tell me!  That's what feedback is for. ^_^  Oh yeah… one last thing – do you have any idea how hard it was to come up with a halfway plausible reason Hikari and Maya would kiss at all??  Hikari wouldn't just kiss someone under the mistletoe, and neither would Maya, unless their eyes were closed.  I couldn't have them just standing there, though, or they would have noticed the height difference… so I had to have a catalyst – a third party responsible for getting them together.  Enter Kodama. :P I hope it came off as believable, cuz damn I had a hard time coming up with it!  _

This story was pre-read by Ryoma – who _to this day_… won't admit that Hikari is a main character.  And a darn cute one! :P

Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com


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